It's All About the Entertainment Value
by funsize
Summary: Another oneshot. James decides to write his 'Lilykins' a charming letter, what will she do? To make up for my lack of updates in other areas, for which I am VERY SORRY!


**It's All About the Entertainment Value**

**A/N: This is up here for a number of reasons:**

**1. I've wanted to write a James/Lily fic for a while now**

**2. I feel bad about not being able to update my fic _It's Not My Fault I Fell For Your Stupid Accent _til the weekend, so I thought something was better than nothing.**

**3. I'm a procrastinator. This means I don't have to think about all that upcoming work due in...**

**Disclaimer: Do I really have to write this? You all know by now, I'm a little Australian who doesn't own her own toothbrush (well, okay I do) let alone a multi-million dollar fantasy series.**

* * *

"To My Dear Phoenix-haired, emerald-eyed, marshmallow-skinned—"

"Hang on – 'marshmallow skinned'?"

"Fine, can you think of a better way to describe her beautifully soft, creamy skin?"

"Er—"

"Exactly. _Marshmallow-skinned, _pixie-eared—"

"Is that a compliment?"

"I happen to find her pixie ears quite charming."

"Erm, perhaps you should skimp on the descriptions a bit mate."

"What? But girl's like being told how beautiful they are."

"When you start using phrases like marshmallow-skinned and pixie-eared, it's a sign you're overdoing it just a tad."

"Oh. Right. So I should just stop with the whole 'emerald-eyed' bit yeah?"

That's me, James Potter. The other guy sitting in the train compartment with me is Remus Lupin, my well-educated, poorly dressed werewolf pal. We are together devising the perfect letter to send to my perfect sweetheart, who, for some reason, insists on pretending that she cannot see that we are made for each other. _I _knew it the moment I saw her in my first year. Being the remarkably confident and good-looking young boy that I was at the time, I decided to ask her out. It turned out that this certain red-head did live up to the stereotype of having a fiery temperament and decided to use her wand the only way she knew how at the time—I was jabbed right in my manly parts that day. Since then, Lily Evan's wand has been used against me on numerous occasions, and although my brilliant girl has become extremely adept at many hexes, she still likes the good old James-jab from time to time. I've taught her well, my Lilykins.

"James, why have you been staring into my eyes with a glazed expression on your face for the past five minutes? It's getting creepy."

That's Remus, always spoiling the moment.

"I'd like to use this opportunity to point out that just because you're frustrated that Lily hates you, you don't have to become gay. And I'm well and truly batting straight so don't look at me." The poor boy looks truly scared for the first time in his life.

"You're seriously straight?" I ask him in bewilderment. Truth is, I always thought little ol' Remy had a crush on our pal Sirius.

"Definitely," Remus says, deep in thought. "For example, only last night I had a dream that involved a very well-endowed brunette—"

Luckily the details of Remus' said dream do not befoul my ears as Sirius chooses this precise moment to bound into the compartment, spilling cauldron cakes and chocolate frogs all over the seats, with Peter in tow. Remus and I sent the two off in search of food to distract them whilst we got down to business on Lily's letter, but it seems the trolley witch was only just outside our compartment so the distraction was a pretty feeble attempt. But back to darling Lily's letter. Nothing in the world was going to distract me right now from – oooh an unsquashed cauldron cake! Better eat it before Peter does.

* * *

Well, I believe my letter is finally complete. I've had to write most of it by myself as Remus soon gave up on my spelling and poor grammar (although Sirius _has _been trying to add in phrases such as 'I know you love me, even with my abnormally large behind' which he thinks is hilariously funny). I'd better do one final check:

_To My Dear Phoenix-haired, emerald-eyed, marshmallow-skinned Lilykins,_

_If it is possible (which it is, let me tell you) you have grown even more beautiful over this long and arduous - _(a word Moony came up with) - _summer break that has kept our two souls apart. With your beauty (though not just because of your beauty, because I am far from shallow and would love you even if you were covered in puss-filled warts and had long nose hairs like Dumbledore's) my love has also grown, and now I fear my heart will burst and my blood will fill the hallowed halls of this school unless you accept my proposal (no, not of marriage, don't get carried away my dear Lilykins) to accompany me to the next Hogsmeade outing. I know that over the past seven years you have tried in vain to mask your true feelings for me, but I live only in the hope that someday you will come to your senses and snog me senseless in a broom closet of your choice - _(always the gentleman, aren't I? Told you I didn't need your help Moony) - _. But now it is past midnight on the first day of school and I do like my seven hours of beauty sleep, so I will finish this off by saying that if you do not accept my offer, I will be forced (yet again) to try and drown myself in the Great Lake (though hopefully this time the Giant Squid will be so kind as to let me be, instead of hurling me about in the air with his(her?) giant tentacles). _

_Yours For Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever and, well, you get the point,_

_The Most Charming, Intelligent and Devilishly Handsome_

_James H. Potter_

_P.S. If you would be so kind as to make a large song and dance about how excited you are about our upcoming date, it would be much appreciated. I have to rub Sirius' nose in it. _

Perfect. She can't say no to this.

* * *

"No, James Potter, no, no, no, no, _no. _HOW many times do I have to say it before you accept the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU!"

Lily is waving my charming letter in my face as she sits in her comfy armchair by the Gryffindor fire.

"So, I take it you want to go with me?" I ask cheerily. _Oh turn that frown upside down my Lilykins, it's not the most pleasing arrangement of your features._

"ARGHH JUST LEAVE ME ALONE POTTER!"

"So, you won't go with me?"

"Yes."

"Yes you will go with me?" I knew it!

"_No, _'yes' I don't want to go with you."

"Do you want to go with me?"

"NO!"

"Yes?"

"NO!"

"Yes?"

"NO!"

"Yes?"

"NO!"

"No?"

"YES!"

"YES! You said yes! You're coming with me to Hogsmeade and there's no getting out of it! Oh, wait til I rub it in Sirius' face!"

"But, I –"

"No excuses Lilykins, you're bound by a mystical, magical agreement based on our deep love, and there's nothing you can do about it! WOOHOO, I TRICKED LILY INTO GOING TO HOGSMEADE WITH ME EVERYONE!"

I run off madly to my dormitory to let my beloved friends know the good news. If only I had stayed a minute longer (and hid behind this very fat fifth year girl), I might have heard the following exchange between my Lilykins and her friend Alice:

"I thought you said you were going to say yes to him anyway?"

"It's all about the entertainment value, Alice."

* * *

**A/N: So, it's a little bit silly, but what's new with me? I'd like to know your opinion though :)**

**Til next time (which is hopefully not far away)**

**Funsize x x**

**P.S. If anyone who has read and reviewed any of my other fics is reading this, I'd like to send you a big smiley 'thank you' for brightening my day and making people ask if I was a loon or if there was a reason I was grinning at the computer like that :) you people are all brilliant.**


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